Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The giant land of suck that is plus size swimwear.

The title pretty well sums it up.  Today I decided to go through the family swimwear in anticipation of our vacation at the end of the month.  To my dismay my trusty miraclesuit has finally given up the ghost.  I got six good years of use out of it, so I feel I got my money's worth.  That suit went on my honeymoon to Jamaica, to the Outer Banks twice, and numerous trips to the Jersey shore and city pools.  However, my back-up suit from Target can kiss my ample ass.  Barely half a dozen uses in 2010 and it's falling apart.  Well, you get what you pay for.

So, I hit the intarwebz in search of replacement swimwear.  I hate about 99% of the plus sized offerings.  I'm NOT wearing a seizure inducing neon floral print.  Don't even get me started on the skirted suits.  Why don't they just write "I'm not fat under here!" on the hem??  I was grumbling about this in front of my son, who has been running all over the house yelling "IM NOT FAT UNDER HERE" for the last hour.  And why did everything in black sell out in MARCH??  Nobody waits until it's actually warm enough to swim to buy swimwear? 
Here's an example of what I'm talking about....
What the fuck????

You can just tell the model wants to rip this suit off and kill it with fire.  This is just one example out of a thousand.  What pisses me off the most is the assumption that fat women don't go nice places and want to wear nice swimwear when we get there.  We're not all sitting in kiddie pools eating frozen twinkies and chugging Meister Brau, assholes.  Although a frozen twinkie doesn't sound half bad right now....

After an hour of searching, I found two that I liked.  I'll let you know if they are keepers when I get them.


  1. Totally get where you're coming from. I'm off to Spain on Saturday and currently have 2 swimsuits. One is totally not going anywhere near me, it's awful and offers zero support. The second is fine, I just can't imagine me happily stepping out wearing just a swimsuit. No way.
    I have a 3rd swimsuit which I ordered yesterday and will arrive tomorrow.. It's a skirted one, shock horror, I don't mind if it screams that I'm fat under there, just aslong as people don't see my horrible arse and top of my legs. Had considered a burkhini but figured that was too drastic. Woe :(

  2. hahahahaha i can;t stop laughing. BEST POST I read today, and ALL true. I think I never go swimming because fat swimsuits suck so much ass. True Dat.